Hog Wars: The Phantom Parody
by HorribleFishBoy
Summary: Chapter 3: In which I lied about the puffins, Harry becomes even more angsty, and Sir Cadogan is arrested!
1. Chapter Uno

I would like to say that I own nothing but the plot. But a can't. Because even the plot is stolen… Well, sort of.

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Draco tentatively walked up to Professor Snape.

"Draco, dear favorite student of mine, you have to be tutored by Ginny Weasley because then you two will become friends and fall madly in love and make Ron angry," Snape said.

"But I don't wanna!" Ginny and Draco yelled at the same time.

"Oh boy, I hadn't thought of this. AUTHOR!" Snape yelled. The lazy author came down from the sky with her magical purple typewriter. "You rang?" she asked.

"They don't want to study together! Quick, come up with some reason why Draco has to be tutored by her," Snape bellowed.

"Um.." the lazy author wrung out her hands and stared around the classroom. "Draco, you're failing Potions!"

Suddenly the reader's head appeared in the fireplace in a puff of green smoke.

"But that doesn't make any sense!" The reader said, "Isn't Draco smart and supposed to be Snape's favorite? So he'd be doing well! And why would Ginny be tutoring him? She's in a different year!"

"Shut up!" Snapped the author, "Nobody listens to you unless you review!" The author promptly disappeared and floated back up to her magical castle in the sky.

"But I'm not failing Potions!" Draco screamed from several miles below.

"Stop yelling," hollered Snape, "The author is running out of synonyms for 'yell.' Now, you two will go study together and then become friends for some reason, and then it will turn out that Draco's father is forcing him to be a Death Eater but he really doesn't want to be, which is proven false by book 6…"

Snape trailed off as the author appeared in the middle of the room and started spitting fire everywhere.

"Do you _really_ want me to tell your obsessed fan girls your whereabouts?" The lazy author who is running out of synonyms for the word "said" said.

"No, master," Snape said, bowing down in front of the almighty lazy author.

The author got bored and disappeared back to her castle.

"And then you two will fall in love and then Harry will defeat Voldemort because of the love of Hermione or Luna or Pettigrew or somebody, and thus the world will suddenly be void of Midnight Madness at bookstores and J.K. Rowling will be able to get on with her life," Snape continued.

This is the annoying paragraph where the author forgets that he or she is writing in past tense and switches to present tense, as well as makes several spelling and grammatical errors, and mixes up the words defiantly and definitely.

Ginny stormed back to the Gryffindor common room where she met up with her best friend, who is Colin Creevey for some reason, and cried about how much she hated Malfoy and how traumatized she was about Tom Riddle possessing her, which you think she might have gotten over in five years, but the more drama, the better.

Draco stomped back to the Slytherin common room where he met up with his best friend, who is Blaise Zabini for some reason and cried about how much he hated the Weasleys and about how sad he is that his father is forcing him to be a Death Eater but he doesn't want to be. Then Pansy Parkinson, who is a slut because nobody likes Pansy Parkinson, showed up, and suddenly the lights dimmed and Blaise Zabini got all pale and his nose fell off and they all started tap dancing to Thriller.

Meanwhile, a hundred feet up higher, give or take thirty eight, and on the other side of the castle, Ginny and Colin sat in Gryffindor Tower and looked through some of Harry, Ron, and Hermione's legal books that they had bought for defending a dementor who was being sued by the Witch King of Agmar (?) for stealing the general concept and design of the Nazgul. They found, sadly (for them), that there was no way for a fictional character in a story written by an obsessed fan of a series of books to sue said obsessed fan for forcing said fictional character to undergo things that said fictional character would not like to undergo in said story. Now say that ten times fast. To put it bluntly, Ginny can't sue me! HAHAHA! READ THE DISCLAIMER AND WEEP!

Here I would like to dedicate a moment of silence to the memory of the possible salvation of this story.

----

The next morning, the author thought that the chapter was too short so she added what was going to be chapter 2 to chapter 1 to make it long enough.

The next morning, Ginny and Colin walked down to breakfast without Harry, Ron, and Hermione because they were in court defending the dementor, of course.

Now comes the time for the second annoying paragraph in which the author AGAIN forgets that they are writing in past-tense, and may sometimes even forget that they are writing in third person. I am greatly annoyed with these paragraphs. I am not as obsessed with grammar as Aunt Josephine of A Series of Unfortunate Events fame is, however I do like to read stories that are written in the same tense, with few, if any, spelling/grammatical mistakes. If you have Microsoft Word, USE IT! It has a spell checker! It is a wonderful product, and will receive 100 house points and special awards for services to the lazy author.

_Meanwhile, 26 and one half miles away, Voldemort was stroking his kitty evilly._

"Mr. Twinkle Toes, soon all of the world will bow to the power that is me! Isn't that right Mr. Twinkywinky, who's the cutest wittle kitty ever? You are, you are!" Voldemort cooed. It was then that Lucius Malfoy walked up and cleared his throat.

The reader's head then appeared in the fireplace, only this time it was a different fireplace, again. "Um… Isn't Malfoy in jail?"

"DON'T YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHEN YOU'RE NOT WANTED?" The author yelled from her castle in the clouds. The reader then promptly disappeared.

"Voldemort, my almighty tallest," Invader Lucius-

"Hey, since when is Lucius Malfoy an Invad-"

"SHUT UP!" The author screamed. "Bloody readers…" The author muttered because British words are so much cooler than American ones.

"Mr. Dark Lord, my-" Lucius started but was cut off when Voldemort turned into a giant glowing eye made of fire.

"Mr. Dark Lord _Voldemort_," Lucius corrected himself, as Voldemort returned to normal, though becoming a burning eye had singed his hair slightly. "My son does not want to become a Death Eater." Voldemort dropped the pizza he had previously been chewing menacingly on.

"He will. We will persuade him." Voldemort said.

"DAMN PIZZA BOYS! I TOLD THEM TO PUT ON SUPER DUPER EXTRA PEPPERONI! THIS ONLY LOOKS LIKE EXTRA!" Voldemort cried (the lazy author proudly beamed at this new synonym,) and threw the pizza against the wall, which for some reason was black and dripping slime.

_Meanwhile, in a court somewhere…_

"My client pleads not guilty, your honor," Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Attend-Law-School, said.

_Meanwhile, back at Hogwarts…_

Ginny was sitting at a table in the library trying to tutor Draco. The only problem was that Draco already knew the material but Ginny didn't, as she was a year lower, however, the author thought that Draco failing potions was the only way the story could work, so, go figure.

"So, tell me about yourself," Draco said in an attempt to become Ginny's friend and thus fall in love with her quicker so that he could go back to his normal daily routine, of which this schedule has been made:

10:00 AM: Torture the Gryffindors

11:00 AM: Yell at Crabbe and Goyle.

12:00 PM: Lunch

1:00 PM: Torture the Gryffindors

2:00 PM: Practice Quidditch

3:00 PM: Torture the Gryffindors

and so on.

"Why should I talk to you?" Said Ginny, who had to play hard to get or otherwise there wouldn't be a story.

"Because… AUTHOR!" Draco yelled.

"_Because, dear Ginevra…_ no, Ginevra's an ugly name… _Virginia, you must talk to me for you are the sole reason my heart beats! I need to learn about you or else I will DIE of a broken heart!"_ the author said, dreamily, as she typed it in her magical purple typewriter.

"I AM NOT SAYING THA-_ Because, dear Ginevra… _no, Ginevra's an ugly name…_ Virginia, you must talk to me for you are the sole reason my heart beats! I need to learn about you or else I will DIE of a broken heart_!" Draco said, and then immediately threw a book at the author, who disappeared before _Most Potent Potions_ could hit her square in the face.

Over the next few minutes, Draco and Ginny miraculously became friends because it was convenient for the plot. Then Draco found out that Ginny was still traumatized by the whole Tom Riddle and the Chamber of Secrets (not in any way affiliated with Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets) thing and that Draco was actually a good guy with an evil Death Eater for a father, which was proved false by book six, but the lazy author likes to live in her own little fantasy world in which Draco is actually a nice guy, Sirius is still alive, and Remus Lupin is single.

The lazy author yawned and stretched, deciding that now was an okay time to end the chapter, and went to sleep.

Unfortunately for the lazy author, she had several too many cups of coffee that day and could not sleep, so she decided to go on trying to write.

Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley were in very poor moods. The trial had proclaimed their client guilty, which, in retrospect, was actually a good thing because nobody likes dementors, but the three of them couldn't stand that snobby Witch King. In an attempt to cheer them up, Hermione commented that she thought she saw Eowyn, but the two boys were in too glum of a mood.

After a brief meeting with a psychologist, Harry and Ron had figured out that the root of their problems was that they were both in love with Hermione. Ron suggested that they have a jousting match to find out who would win her heart, and the date had been set for the sixteenth. In the mean time, the three of them were occupied with the fact that there was a very angry lazy author chastising them.

"HOW DARE THE THREE OF YOU TAKE THE SPOTLIGHT FOR TWO PARAGRAPHS? THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT ME AND REMUS LUP- I MEAN GINNY AND DRACO! THE READERS DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS, THEY CARE ABOUT-"

Here, the annoying reader decided to make yet another appearance in the fireplace, but in an attempt to score brownie points with the author, Harry quickly put out the fire before the reader had a chance to say anything.

The lazy author gave Harry a pat on the head and a dog biscuit, and floated back up to the castle humming the Phantom of the Opera song.

The week rolled by and it became very clear to Ginny and Draco that the tutoring situation was not working out, and they were not becoming friends despite what the author may have written about them sharing the reasons for their trauma in a previous paragraph.

It is here that the author will attempt to salvage the story by adding in random guest stars, the first of which is:

LASSIE!

Ginny and Draco were on their way to file a complaint to Severus Snape about the ungodly horrors they were being forced to undergo by becoming friends, when a collie stopped in front of them. It was not a peculiar collie in any way. It was just a normal, average, run-of-the-mill movie star collie. However, if you were on your way to file a complaint to your greasy-haired Potions master about being forced to become friends and fall in love with someone you hated, you would be rather surprised to see a collie in the middle of the hallway that lead to the dungeons.

"Who are you?" Draco asked, leaning down and staring menacingly at the collie.

"I am Lassie, Lord of all Canaries," the collie replied in the voice of Eddie Murphy because the author didn't know what Lassie's voice would actually sound like.

"If you're a collie, why are you Lord of all Canaries?" Ginny asked.

"My child, I would not expect for you to understand. I don't either. That is why I came here, as this is the last place the almighty author was rumored to be. I must ask her why my character is appearing in this story, and if she can tell me which way the white rabbit went." Lassie explained.

"Of course!" said Draco, "We must talk to the lazy author, not Snape!"

"But how are we to find the author?" Ginny asked, "And why is that dog following a white rabbit?"

Will these questions be answered? Probably! Will the answers make sense? Probably not!

Sneak preview of the next chapter:

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DO YOU MEAN?" Draco screeched.

"Would you like some coffee?" offered the lazy author.

"YEAH!" Ginny shouted.

"How about some tea?" the lazy author tried again.

"Yes please," said Lassie.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?" Draco yelled.

"No," replied the lazy author.

Ginny turned to the readers, and bellowed, "DON'T LISTEN TO THE AUTHOR! THESE LINSE DO NOT ACTUALLY APPEAR IN THE NEXT CHAPTER!"

The lazy author wandered around her kitchen, opening drawers, scolding said drawers, and closing them again, until she finally found what she was looking for. Just as Ginny was about to launch into another rampage about how she should not be forced to fall in love, and if the author would please, as a feminist, see her side of it, the author calmly shoved the pigeon into the girl's mouth and sauntered back to her magical purple typewriter.


	2. Chapter Duex

Suggestions for the rest of the story will be GREATLY appreciated, as I have absolutely no clue where I'm going with this.

Disclaimer: I AM J.K. ROWLING! FEAR ME!

-.- fine.

Disclaimer from Chapter 1 still applies.

Without further ado

Here is chapter two

I hope you all review

Because then I'll love you

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Ginny, Draco, and Lassie ran frantically around the dungeons, searching for some way to find the lazy author. After about half an hour, maybe it was only five minutes, but nobody keeps track of these things as they are highly irrelevant to the plot and do not deserve their own sentence. After about either five minutes of half an hour of looking around in an attempt to stretch out the plot, Draco, Ginny, and Lassie gave up their search for the lazy author. Then suddenly, Draco had an idea.

"Hey, guess what, I have an idea!" said Draco. Ginny rolled her eyes.

"We know, Ferret Boy!" She said, exasperated, "The author just wrote _Draco had an idea._ We don't really need to be told again."

"Shut up," Draco replied, then began to explain his idea, which didn't really need to be written as it is already proven in the dialogue that is to follow.

"You see, we do something that makes no sense whatsoever to our characters' personalities, and then the reader will show up. Then the author will show up to yell at and/or throw things at the reader. Then we will capture the lazy author and force her to stop writing this story, or take us out of it, or at least keep us in character," Draco explained. Ginny and Lassie nodded their approval.

"But how are we supposed to capture the lazy author?" Lassie asked. Draco and Lassie looked at Ginny, as it seemed reasonable for her to say something now, as Lassie and Draco had already spoken recently. But Ginny was looking very fixedly at a spot on the wall. The spot was not abnormal or special in any way, but that didn't matter because Ginny was having a

_**Flashback:**_

_Ginny was sitting on her bed, writing in her diary. She was six, and was anxiously awaiting the next morning. This was the first time she had lost a tooth after her mother had told her the story of the Tooth Fairy. Ginny had set a trap for the Tooth Fairy, that consisted of a broken broomstick, some dental floss, and a toaster oven she had taken from her father's study. Well, use your imagination. Unfortunately, after this, Ginny fell asleep and forgot to put her trap under her pillow, so she just ended up with five knuts in the morning, but no tooth. She formulated a new theory that old teeth turn into coins in the night, and was determined to find a dead shark and end her family's poverty. Maybe a saber tooth tiger would work, too._

Ginny was jarred from her flashback by the sound of Lassie and Draco breaking out into song, as while Ginny was caught up in her thoughts of the mechanics of her highly customized trap for the Tooth Fairy to notice the other two discuss something drastically out of character that they could do to annoy the reader. Ginny now stared, open-mouthed, as Draco and Lassie, who still had the voice of Eddie Murphy, and was unfortunately suffering from a severe case of hiccups, belted out:

_WE ALL LIVE IN A YELLOW SUBMARINE!_

Unfortunately for the two out-of-character characters, but fortunately for the reader who would probably explode if they had been forced to undergo any more of the horrid singing, the author did not know any more lyrics to the song. Fortunately, the reader was annoyed enough with just that one line of music. Unfortunately, there was no fireplace in that hallway. Fortunately, it turns out annoying readers can appear in wall sconces as well. Unfortunately, the author grew tried of writing things that ended with tunately, which, sadly, had nothing to do with tuna.

The lazy author was forced to, YET AGAIN, pop down to the castle and yell and/or throw things at the reader. But when she arrived, she only saw Ginny smirking in front of her, and could vaguely see Lassie and Draco off to her sides. The author glared at Ginny, but Ginny's evil grin widened as the author dropped into a toaster oven, which had been either magically expanded to fit the author, the more comical option in which no sizes are changed and the lazy author is squished inside of a toaster oven.

The lazy author began to mutter about meddling kids and their stupid dog, but was silenced as a bunch of broken pieces of wood, tied together with dental floss, closed over the top of the toaster oven. The author peered out of the cracks in the wooden cage door and saw Draco walk up to her.

"Miss Lazy Author," Draco stated, "Weaselette and I _refuse_ to be forced to become friends and fall in love. It is totally abnormal for our characters, and I suggest that you remove us from this story immediately."

The lazy author would have replied, were it not for her face being pressed against the side of a toaster oven and the heavy magical purple typewriter crushing into her stomach. But then, the author realized something. Typing furiously, the lazy author wrote the following sentence:

_The toaster oven disappeared, the author was set free, and Remus Lupin broke up with Tonks._

Smiling at her work, the lazy author set down the typewriter and went about searching the walls for the wall sconce the reader had chosen to inhabit. Spotting one that was spewing out green smoke, the author quickly dumped a bucket of water-

"Where did you get a bucket of water?" The reader asked.

The lazy author sighed and went back to her typewriter.

_The lazy author found a large bucket of water next to her typewriter._

The author gingerly picked it up and threw it all over the wall sconce, and went back to the more pressing matters at hand.

"No, I will not remove you from this story, as you are the main characters, and without you two, and the dog, I will be forced to come up with an actual interesting plot. And that just cannot happen, because then I will lose the title of Lazy I have worked so little to achieve!" The author cried.

Ginny opened her mouth to reply, when suddenly two people, a cat, and several floating boxes of pizza breezed into the hallway. The pizzas clattered to the floor, the cat flopped down on top of it, and the two people fell on the ground in front of Draco. Draco looked down, incredibly confused, Lassie backed further against the wall, and Ginny raised an eyebrow at the author.

Suddenly, one of the people looked up. Ginny gasped, seeing a pale face that strongly resembled an albino snake with glowing red eyes and sideburns.

"V-v-VOLDEMORT!" Lassie breathed from across the hallway.

The lazy author was about to write how Voldemort's reappearance was relevant to the plot, when she suddenly had the most brilliant idea in the history of the world…

_Lassie walked on to the stage in front of the screaming crowd, looking very spiffy in baggy jeans and lots of gold jewelry._

"_Whazzup, dogs?" the collie called out to the crowed, who cheered very loud instead of actually answering his question. Draco and Ginny sauntered on to the stage behind Lassie, as the collie went on about how great the audience was. Suddenly, the song started:_

_**He's V-V-Voldemort!**_

_**He wears M-Moldy shorts!**_

_**When V-V-Voldie walks,**_

_**He looks like Goldilocks**_

_**We all know Voldie rocks,**_

_**And he has moldy socks**_

_**Yeah**_

_Lassie, Ginny, and Draco finished their song and walked off of the stage, waving to the crowd._

The scene around the lazy author unfroze and she went back to being scared and astonished.

"Draco," said Voldemort, clasping his hands together and looking up at Draco in an EVIL attempt at a puppy-dog look, "Will you please join the Death Eaters?"

"Pretty, pretty please?" added Lucius, who was kneeling on the floor next to The Dark Lord- here Voldemort turned back into a glowing eye- Voldemort- and the returned to normal.

"With cherries on top?" Voldemort asked.

But all heads snapped away from Draco and Voldemort as a very strange sound came from over by the pizza boxes.

"I'm late, I'm late," cried Voldemort's cat, as it abruptly turned into a rabbit in front of everyone and scurried through a hole in the wall. Lassie hastily tore after it, with Draco, Ginny, Voldemort, Lucius, and the lazy author following close after.

Through the hole the six of them went, following the sound of the rabbit's cries of "I'm late, I'm late." They ran for what seemed like hours, until they fell through another hole and on to the floor of the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. In the time it took for everyone to figure out where they were and to actually climb up off of the floor, the rabbit and Lassie had already left the room.

Voldemort scratched his head after he was finally able to stand up, and turned to look at the hole they had fallen through, which was, in actuality, only about a foot away from the first hole in the wall. But it seemed more dramatic to have them running a very long way at the time.

After Lucius finally got the lazy author's magical purple typewriter off of his head, he stood up and tried to leave the room, but the sound of loud sobs made him stop. He turned around, to see Voldemort bawling his eyes out and hitting a spot on the wall.

"What's wrong, my Lord?" asked Lucius, "Voldemort," he added quickly, as he saw his master was about to turn back into a giant glowing eye.

"The hole disappeared!" Voldemort wailed, "My poor little pizzas! How will I get back through to defend them?"

"Um," said Ginny, "The door's right there." Ginny pointed to said door, as Voldemort and Lucius tore through it, grabbed their pizzas, and vanished.

The lazy author had finally gotten up off of the floor, and was sitting on a desk with her magical purple typewriter. Ginny and Draco were staring at the door, mulling over the last five or so minutes, in which the most evil man in the world had appeared with pizzas, then followed his cat which had turned into a rabbit into a hole, and out the other side, and then started crying about said pizzas, then found said pizzas, and then left. They were snapped out of their thoughts by a loud sound coming from across the room.

"DAMNIT!" The lazy author screamed, "Voldemort, Lucius, and Lassie were the only ones who could have possibly salvaged the story, and now they're gone! Which means I'd actually have to write a plot! THIS CANNOT BE HAPPENING TO ME!"

The author curled up on the floor, hugging her knees to her chest and rolling around, bawling her eyes out. It sounded faintly like when you drop a refrigerator on a piano, play the flute with your elbows, and play the guitar with your toes, except with slightly less melody. She was having a severe emotional breakdown. Her three best characters had left the story, and now, all she had left written was

_Thursday, the Sixteenth_

Suddenly, the author jumped up off the floor and began to dance around the room. She had new inspiration; she had something else to write about, and she was going to introduce a new guest star.

So, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for:

ARAGORN!

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My rap song kicks ass.

Sorry that this chapter was slightly less nonsense. I promise, if I get some ideas for what can happen later in this story, the nonsense will fall like rain! ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY RANDOMNESS!

I got reviews! I'm so happy!

**Chipsie the insane tabby cat-** I try.

**ellieo- **Thanks!

**claudiastar**- I am more Lupinerific than you, so ha ha. And thanks.

**shawn-small58**- Thanks!

A hint about the next chapter:

**There will be puffins.**


	3. Chapter Drie

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling, except Aragorn, who belongs to whoever owns the copyrights to Lord of the Rings now and Remus Lupin, whom, for now, belongs to J.K. Rowling, but will belong to me soon… so very soon…. yes, precious….

Songs belong to Andrew Lloyd Webber and Nine Inch Nails.

The Matrix belongs to whoever made it.

The Kit-Kat bar song belongs to I'm tired of writing this disclaimer.

Ideas for the future of the story will still be greatly appreciated!

The first paragraph of this chapter is dedicated to Nikki.

And yes, I am scared of elevators.

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Dennis Creevey was having a mid-life crisis. After 13 years, he had realized that he was not a helicopter, so he had no reason to stick his arms out and run around the Great Hall making buzzing noises. But he did so anyway.

The lazy author skipped giddily down the corridors, the magical purple typewriter zooming along behind her. She flung herself into the Great Hall and sat down at the teacher's table on top of Remus Lupin, who had come back to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts because it makes the author happy.

Harry and Ron faced each other and shook hands, before stepping ten paces apart. The entire Great Hall was silent, but that may have been because the author was wearing ear plugs. Hermione began screaming like a school girl, which, if you think about it, she actually was, as Harry and Ron began their jousting match.

(CUE POORLY INSERTED SCENE FROM THE MATRIX)

Harry jabbed, Ron stabbed, Harry punctured, Ron…. shmunctured.

Before the rest of the story is revealed, the lazy author would like to draw attention to something. Logic had recently won a phone-in competition for a week-long trip to Tahiti for two on a local radio station, and had taken his wife, Physics, along with him.

Harry and Ron's jousting match for Hermione's heart was still going on in the Great Hall, when Sir Cadogan, the annoying painting who had substituted for the Fat Lady (see Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, page I can't find the book right now) rode into the great hall and, in one valiant poke, stabbed Harry and Ron through the heart.

The lazy author sighed in annoyance. Being dead was just another reason for Harry to be even more angsty and brooding. The author slammed her face into the mashed potatoes, and looked up in time to see Sir Cadogan ride away with Hermione. And, sure enough, Harry had already headed to the secluded corner and stared out the window with a very grave look on his face, and occasionally shaking in manly sobs.

The author threw her hands in the air and stormed out of the great hall, dragging her magical purple typewriter and Remus Lupin behind her. The author wandered around the castle, wondering where she'd put her two main characters and her surprise guest star.

The author heard faint singing coming from Dumbledore's office, so she decided to check there.

"Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar, the chocolaty taste makes my day and everywhere I go the people say: Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that- break me off a piece of that- break me off a piece of that KIT-KAT BAR!" The author sang to the bird thing that guarded Dumbledore's office.

The author pushed the button for the third floor on the elevator up to Dumbledore's office, and sat curled in a ball on the floor with her face pressed into her knees, breathing very heavily. After a while, she felt the elevator stop, and she looked up, only to find that the doors hadn't opened yet. The lazy author promptly started screaming. Then the doors opened, and the lazy author grabbed the typewriter and Remus Lupin and sped out the doors into the office.

Aragorn, Son of Somebody, King of Something, From Someplace, Who's Family History Dates Back To Sometime, was jumping up and down on Dumbledore's desk, with his hair tied in a French braid and wearing pink pajamas. He was singing a song into a hair brush that, one would think, related to the story in some way, or was written by Green Day. But he wasn't. Because the lazy author doesn't like Green Day all that much. So, he was singing:

_**Poor fool, he makes me laugh, hahahahaha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah aha hahahahahahhahhaha blah hah ha!**_

On second thought, he was singing:

_**There are things I said I would never do**_

_**There are fears I cannot believe have come true**_

_**For my soul is too sick and it's too little and too late**_

_**And myself I have grown to weary to hate**_

_**The more I stay in here**_

_**The more it's not so clear**_

_**The more I type of this song**_

_**The more space I can fill**_

_**But that would just get boring**_

_**So I'm going to stop typing this song**_

_**But it's hard because the song is so good**_

_**Nine Inch Nails is better than Green Day, deal with it!**_

_**MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!**_

The lazy author walked up to Aragorn and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Aragorn, it is time," said the lazy author.

"For what?" asked Remus as he turned off the music and waved his wand so that Aragorn's clothes returned to normal.

"Um," said the author, "I'm not sure… I've got it! Aragorn, you can use your awesome tracking skills (of doom) to help me find the main characters!"

"Kay," said Aragorn, who was looking a lot manlier covered in chain mail.

"So, Aragorn, where do you suppose we check?" the lazy author asked.

"Mumble grumble bumble shmuble," Aragorn replied, because nobody can understand what Viggo Mortensen is saying, except in that one scene at the end of The Return of the King, which may or may not be totally ripped off in this story.

The lazy author, Remus Lupin, and Aragorn set out from Dumbledore's office, banging coconuts together a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Nothing could distract the trio from their epic quest, except

"GIFT SHOP!" The lazy author cried in glee as she ran over to the booth on one side of the room.

"What can I get for you miss?" asked the person who worked at the gift shop, who will be Gollum because everybody loves Gollum.

"I will take three of those," the author said, pointing to posters of Draco Malfoy, "four of those," the author said, pointing to Sirius Black action figures, "and eighteen thousand of those," the author finished, pointing at 'I Love Remus Lupin' hats.

"No, no, miss! You must not stay at Hogwarts, because history is to repeat itself!" said Gollum, who had just turned into his alter-ego, Dobby.

"But I need them! I need them or I will explode!" cried the lazy author, "How am I to get them if I'm not at Hogwarts?"

"Use the force," said Gollum, who had just turned into his _other_ alter-ego, Yoda.

"No, no, no! Miss cannot use the force, it is too dangerous!" said Dobby.

"Shut up! We are wasting valuable time that we could be using searching for the precious!" snapped Gollum.

Gollum turned slightly to the other direction to respond to himself, as the lazy author quickly stuffed all of the Harry Potter merchandise into her bag and put one of the I Love Remus Lupin hats on her head. Aragorn resumed banging the coconuts together, and the three of them ran down the stairs because the lazy author couldn't handle being in the elevator again.

-----

Draco and Ginny were having some very severe problems of their own, the first being that they were in Siberia, the second being that Draco had left his hair gel back at the castle.

The two annoyed characters wandered over the icy landscape, seeing nothing but snow.

"Halt, who goes there!" came an annoyingly familiar voice.

"It is I, Sir Draco- No, MUST RESIST THE LAZY AUTHOR'S DESCRIPTIONS- of Hogwarts, and Lady Ginevra, no, that's ugly, Virginia."

"I challenge you to a duel!" the voice replied.

Sir Cadogan rode up to them, Hermione sitting on the side of his horse-shaped snow mobile, reading Hogwarts: A History.

Ginny opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off when ten people dropped from the sky, all in matching orange snow suits.

"You are under arrest for being Illogical," the person at the front of the orange-snow-suited figures said, while handcuffing Sir Cadogan.

"Who are you?" asked Hermione.

"I am Physics, and these are my matching-orange-snow-suited helpers, and my husband, Logic."

Sir Cadogan began grumbling incoherently, but every once in a while the words "meddling kids" and "I'll get you and your little orange-snow-suited Physics police, too!" before he was thrown into the back of a car and driven up into the sky.

"Well that was sufficiently odd," said Ginny.

-----

Shorter than the others, I know, but I like it.

Reviewness:

**ellieo- **Thanks again!

**claudiastar-** You stole my humor. And prove that I'm more Lupinerific? I created the word Lupinerific! You can't get more Lupinerific than Lupinerific. I R MADNESS. Ph34r me.

I lied about the puffins. They will appear eventually!


End file.
